Am I enough?

Most of my days, if I wake up earlier than everyone, they start by me looking outside through the window and just looking at the stillness outside the window. I look and stare at the lampposts outside, how their light looks and the haze around them. It is really interesting to see the thoughts forming and coming while staring at this lamp. I don’t know how to explain this other than to appreciate that there is so much movement and at the same time it is so still. It feels like I am the only one awake, and I get to share that moment with myself. It feels like such a moment that only I am experiencing and although it is so basic, it is such a great feeling. is this my kind of meditation?

Lately I have been feeling off, and I feel like I have strayed off my path. I feel lost, and I think the thing that changed was that I started to focus on changing jobs. Somehow I know that this change is the easiest path for me mentally (not that it is easy to get one, because it is not). However, I know that if I get one, it will make some of my dreams further away, and maybe if the pay is good enough I may even stop altogether because mentally is easy to just follow the job. But what if somehow this situation I am currently in, can help me figure certain things about myself and grow from all of this? What if it is the catalyst to pushing me out of my comfort zone, to step outside the light of my intellect, which I have used for such a long time as a shield, and to start creating the life I want, the world I want. Because let’s be honest with a science job I am not creating the world I want. I have been faced with this decision for a long time but so far I have always taken the path of least resistance, so I know that if given the chance, I will go back on the old path.

Is this life that I am fantasizing about going anywhere I would like? no idea. I am not sure that I will get any money, but at the same time sometimes I get reassurances, like someone signing up for the Q&A and I start thinking what if I have a course and instead of having people signing up for the waiting list, I would have people paying for the course. And sometimes I think and what if then people would want to have a community, and coaching? And this thought is so energizing. But at the same time so scary, because it all relies in my hands. So while it is very empowering, it is so very scary because if I do not manage to make it work, well I can only blame myself for it. And that is scary. Because what if I am not enough?