Not Sure

Sometimes things happen that make me feel not sure of myself anymore. This morning was a crazy one, where I did not sleep that well because I was so anxious. I got some weird news yesterday and somehow this scared the shit out of me. I was mainly afraid of how the people closest to me would react. I also am realizing that I postpone these admin things till the last second and then if something goes wrong there is not enough time to rectify. And on days like these I feel that I do not bring anything to the table except for sh*t. It sounds gloomy but that is how the day started with me sh*tting my pants, and thinking that I cannot fix this issue. In a way this opened my eyes that things like these can happen and can set me back big time. I should make them more of a priority to take care of them. On the bright side, since things were going to sh*ts today, I decided that it was a good day to ruminate a bit. That really helped me.. not.

And this got me thinking, how many of our suffering and pain is caused by none other than us? In both instances, the anxiety and the rumination were jumped started by my actions. And although I took all those decisions subconsciously, I wonder, did I really need to take those decisions? Sometimes I wonder, what stops me from doing the annoying admin things? Is it of fear that I will do something wrong, or is it this fear that usually when you touch something like this, it is like a Russian doll, you open one, and you find an other and another, and while you are tending to all these issues that crop up when taking care of these tasks the day goes by. Which I do not blame myself for not wanting to touch the thing in the first place. But admin stuff are there, and rarely is the case that if you ignore it long enough it will disappear. Similarly, I know that rumination is bad, it just ruins the mood and often it sets the day. And even though I know that ruminating has plenty of downsides but no upside, somehow I still do this. I wonder because for sure I do not like to not feel good, but at the same time, it just feels that my brain is so addicted to this negative things. I wonder, do I really like to feel like sh*t and navigate undesirable situations? Well, not sure.