The Ferret on Cocaine Syndrome

Have you ever felt like you're rushing from one thing to another without having time to deeply pursue passion projects? I certainly have. I often go about life like a ferret on cocaine. I'm juggling so much: a full-time job, parenthood, growing a YouTube channel, and life in general. From an outside perspective, I'm clearly doing a lot. I'm undeniably busy. But I wonder what "busy" actually means, because somehow my life isn't where I want it to be. Deep down, I fear this busyness is keeping me from achieving what I truly want.

I often feel there's an invisible force keeping me busy with things that are urgent but don't meaningfully advance my goals. If you're familiar with the Eisenhower matrix from productivity literature, these tasks are important and urgent, yet they somehow don't move you forward. Take this month, for instance. My funding fell through, leaving me temporarily in limbo. Initially, I thought, "Perfect! I can focus on making YouTube work." I had clear goals: post weekly videos (up from my usual biweekly schedule), create a website to establish my brand, and develop a small digital product to sell. But just two days in, childcare problems emerged. Long story short, my son ended up at home for over 60% of the time. I essentially replaced my full-time job with another one…Parenting. Sometimes I wonder: Was this just coincidence? Or is it like some cosmic equation that needs balancing? Did these challenges appear precisely because my schedule had cleared?

Reading Steven Pressfield's "The War of Art," I learned about the internal resistance we all face when creating things. He explains that Resistance can also manifest externally, but what's happening to me now seems extreme, almost surreal. If this was a test, I likely failed it. By the fourth week of pushing forward, I broke. When I had to abandon making a video to care for my son, my mind went numb. I stopped generating video ideas, lost inspiration from everyday experiences, and everything felt flat. I was dead inside while outwardly busy. And once I felt that internal emptiness, I stopped caring about external matters too. I suddenly realized: what is life without creation? Yet somehow our world seems designed to keep us from creating. How does busyness know when we've cleared our schedule? Why does it want us to remain stagnant? Surely the act of creation is key to becoming our higher selves and making the world better. But why does Resistance exist at all?

As you might have guessed, I don't have any answers to these questions, but I wanted to share these thoughts. Just in case it somehow resonates. After all, what is busyness really? How do we escape the hamster wheel while remaining functional human beings? Am I asking for too much? Truthfully, I don't know. What I do know is that I need a creative outlet to keep my essence alive. Perhaps I'll never become a YouTuber. My life may be way too demanding to maintain the necessary consistency. But I can still post occasional blog entries with my thoughts and inspirations, to help keep that spark alive. At least, I hope so.